Boston Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup Champions

Boston Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup Champions

     Thanks to a rare combination of blind luck, the weakest eastern conference playoff field in 50 years, a few dirty hits here and there, and more than a few dives, the Boston Bruins are your 2011 Stanley Cup Champions. Congratulations to all of you feckless bandwagon jumping slobs back in Basston; your fair-weather fandom has finally paid off. You are no longer reduced to reminiscing for the glory days of the old Basston Gahden. Now, you can talk about how your team was lucky to even make it through round one of this year’s playoffs, and the incidental fortuity that followed. But hey’ the sun even shines on a dog’s butt sometimes..

     Let us now take a closer look at the pride of Basston that is the Bruins, shall we… First, I must say that in my 47+ years of life, NEVER have I witnesses a more pathetic National Anthem singer than Rene Rancourt! Rene, if you can read, YOU SUCK, PERIOD! Moreover, for God’s sake, PLEASE dispense with the cheesy fist pumps. It does not make you cool, or hip, and you are certainly no tough-guy. You are just an old curmudgeon who needs his medication adjusted. You have been an embarrassment to the city of Basston, its illiterate slob fans, and the NHL for 35 years, PLEASE hang it up!

     Next, I would like to congratulate Zdeno Chara on being the first inbred to ever raise Lord Stanley’s cup. Since IQ’s in Basston are primarily of the single digit variety, let be spell it out for you slobs. One look at Chara is all you need to realize that he is clearly a product of inbreeding. Hey’ Zedeno, when you take the cup back to Slovakia for a day, say hello to Uncle Dad for me! Perhaps next year instead of running players half your size into stanchions, you can up your game a bit and just start sucker punching them from behind.

     Claude Julien… Wow, now there is a fine specimen, (NOT)! One look at that rube’s face says it all. I do not think he even knows where he is most of the time. It is a good thing that breathing is automatic, otherwise, he would be in a heap of trouble. He is probably the luckiest of all of the Bruins! If the Habs had scored the overtime goal in game seven of the first series instead of the B’s, Claude would currently be unemployed...AGAIN! As before, it just goes to show that the sun even shines on a dog’s butt occasionally.  

     Count your many blessings Bruins fans; it is only because the alignment of the stars was just right that this miracle was able to happen for you. Enjoy your unwitting fortune; because it will probably be another 40 years before you even get so much as a sniff at another cup run.